Sunday, March 29, 2009

Where we are now

DH and I had been planning to ride the "not trying but not preventing" wave as far as our tolerance would let us, but the chemical pregnancy ground that to a screeching halt. For me it did, at least; DH is decidedly less concerned with TTC than I am this time around. I know my ovulation signs like the back of my hand (hey, where did that mole come from? hardy har har), and I have made myself much more aware of the timing.

I think I delayed emotionally processing the chemical pregnancy because I thought we could do it again the next cycle.

But we didn't.

And although it's only a few cycles into this journey, it feels like we are on month 25 of the pregnancy quest instead of month 3. It's like muscle memory for my mind... infertility was quietly biding its time, waiting for me to easily slip back into the old rollercoaster of hope and disappointment.

I know plenty of lucky couples who have not had any trouble conceiving subsequent babes after a tangle with the old IF the first time around. I have not read any formal studies, but in my experience in the community, I wouldn't be surprised to hear that it happens that way more often than not. But I also know that there are scads and scads of women who have to jump through equal, if not greater, hoops to continue to grow their family. I don't know where we'll fall on that spectrum, obviously. I could certainly turn up pregnant in three weeks, and I'm not sure what would become of this blog. (What a great problem to have!)

The subtitle of this blog is "Achieving baby, the hard way. Again." That may be a bit premature, as we haven't seen an RE since our discharge to the OB with Bean. Because we have moved, we have to select a new clinic, meet with a new doc, review history, get an opinion, formulate a plan, etc. We also have new insurance to understand -- equivalent to our old one, we think, but unfamiliar in that specific coverage. On top of that, we live a good bit of distance from the clinic I intend to use (or any clinic, for that matter), we have a munchkin and no convenient babysitter for the frequent trips required, we are minus one salary for the costly treatments, and we have no local support system should the outcome result in a multiple pregnancy/birth. For now, vitamins and cheap wine will be our chosen protocol. But even so, I still think of this as trying "the hard way."

Because for some of us, doing it on our own is the hard way.


  1. Here from L&F. I am sorry you are having to go through everything again. Good luck to you!

  2. I've been meaning to comment for days but haven't had the chance to sit down and craft a thoughtful response. For now lots and lots of hugs and I'm nodding right along with you screaming its just not fair that we have to go through this again. I teared up reading about your missed m/c, I'm so sorry (again) that you had to go through that, I don't wish m/c on anyone!! Lots of hugs and I'll have more sense, less rambling when we get back from this jampacked 'vacation'

  3. I know what you mean. We're not trying or preventing either and the only thing keeping me sane is probably that I haven't seen the return of AF since Peanut's birth (I'm still breastfeeding). This means I don't know what 2 weeks to stress about and "wait" for. Still we've been off birth control for several months with nary a sign of a BFP.... Could be a long wait and after the last go around, it feels like the waiting becomes cumulative.


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