Thursday, September 10, 2009

The ungrateful infertile?

First, quick update on Spot Watch 2009. It comes and goes, but it's always very light when it's here. I still feel like complete crap, so I'm trying to remain positive that there are still two healthy beanlets in there. Anxiously awaiting next Thursday to see them again. All of your comments make me feel much better, thank you.


It's hard to post on this blog about my struggles with processing the news that we are pregnant with twins. Because many of the people who read it are still in the IF trenches. Which sucks a lot more than the worry about how I will manage to gestate and care for two babies at the same time. I don't want to sound... ungrateful. Because DEAR LORD am I grateful. There was a time I thought I would never be a mother. Never know what it was like to parent a child with my beloved husband.

Now, God willing, I will hopefully be the mother of three in seven short months.

I even remember those first weeks of pregnancy with Bean. Harboring the secret hope that there would be twins, because HOORAY! we wouldn't have to go through treatment again to reach our goal of having two kids. Literally, two for the price of one. That would be convenient, no?

But in reality, having twins is not just a fun bonus. There are serious risks to my health and the health of the babies. And when they are born -- well, it was hard enough to breastfeed and stay up all night with one infant, I shudder to think about handling two. The sleep deprivation was more horrible than I ever imagined. Worth it? Of course. But not romantic and cute, as it seemed before.

And it's not like I can call my Mom or MIL when I'm feeling stressed. "Hey guys, can one of you hop on a plane and fly across the country to watch the kiddos so I can shower for five minutes? Super thanks, bye!"

After the initial burst of help, I am going to be on my own, all day, alone with three children under the age of two and a half. I worry constantly (day and night) about how I will handle that, and how it will affect my son, who is never happier than when he's snuggled into my arms.

I realize that this is the direct result of choices I made. The choice to begin treatment again so soon. The choice to continue with the IUI, knowing there was a chance for twins or triplets. I accept responsibility. But that doesn't mean it's not difficult.

When I first started thinking about having newborn twins and a two year old, I began second-guessing my decision to try for another child. I mean, we are a happy family right now, the three of us. After overcoming our initial incompetence at parenthood, DH and I made up some ground and have fallen into a great rhythm. It doesn't feel like another child is missing from our lives, that we are incomplete or unfinished.

I had to remind myself why we wanted several children in the first place. Because although right now, at 18 months old, our son needs nothing more than his mommy, daddy, and a big stick to drag around the yard -- he will eventually want more socialization. Unfortunately, with the distance from our families, he will not have cousins to bond with. The people we have met through our various activities are really fantastic, but we think he will benefit from having siblings close in age. I have one brother, and DH has three siblings. We both have wonderful memories of growing up with them, and we want that for Bean, too.

Prior to this round of treatment, DH and I had actually talked about having three kids, revising our initial plan of two once we realized how much our son rocks. I thought DH was just wanting to further postpone getting the big snip-snip (he's not a huge fan of the concept), but he assured me that's not the case. And the big grin he gets when he whispers, "father of three" -- well, that's enough to convince me. We of course hoped to manage this one baby at a time, but beggars can't be choosers. DH's wholehearted excitement over the prospect of twins has helped my own acceptance, I'm just hoping that I am confident enough to calm him when he inevitably gets to his own freak-out stage.

So although I'm fearful that I won't escape the first 12 months with my sanity, there's really so little of it left anyway that it won't be a great loss. We will survive, and seeing how much easier things become as my son learns new tricks skills, I can see a future where I might actually function as a human being once more.

I do, however, reserve the right to completely panic about the twinklets throughout the duration of my pregnancy, and for an indefinite time afterwards. In fact, I plan on it.

But please always know that this infertile is eternally grateful for this opportunity, if scared out of her mind.


  1. Oh, don't worry about offending us! ;) I certainly felt the "not what I bargained for" for a long time after the news that I am pregnant with triplets. Like months!

    I will say this: each appointment made me get more excited, more accepting to where now, almost to the birth, I would not have it any other way.

    I know you are terrified, and that is okay! Infertile does not mean unable or not allowed to complain. REALLY!

    I owe you an email with a doc's name at a hospital you are interested in. Promise to get that out this week. :) Big hugs!

  2. Thank you for your honesty. Multiples was my biggest fear when I considered Clomid, IUI, IVF. I was very scared of that. I would have done it if it came to it, but the propsect of multiples did frighten me. I'm sure you will do a great job with your twins and two year old boy, however, you are okay to fear. Sometimes it seems that because of our struggles we're never allowed to complain, but isn't the whole IF community premised on honesty about our feelings?? I think it is. Being able to read the real deal. This is the first blog I've ever read where someone is scared of having twins and I thank you for your honest because I feel less guilty for my own similar fear. This is your blog to say what you want and how you feel. YUou may not please everyone but the important thing is to be honest IMHO.

  3. One of the things that infertility robs us of is the ability to just be normal expectant mothers. Not like we didn't already know this, but one normal facet of being an expectant mom is all the worries that comes with pregnancy, and those worries are magnified when you're pregnant with more than one. The fears and concerns you have aren't much different than what I've seen regular fertile mothers express when expecting their second (or third...) children. We can't help but wonder how we'll keep up with it all. When we love our firsts so hugely and when they encompass all of our hearts and our time, how can there ever be enough room for all of them? I can tell you that just as our wombs expand so greatly to accommodate our babies, so do our hearts grow to accommodate the love.

    It won't always be easy, but the love will never go away and you can do it. :)

  4. So you won't sleep, eat, shower or change your clothes for 12 months. You'll live. ;) Just kidding, but the underlying meaning is true despite the crude delivery.

    I am both jealous (in a nice way) and thankful it is you and not me.

    It is the adventure of a life time and you will love it but you absolutely have the right to panic now and whinge when the kiddos get here.

    On a serious note, I know how great you were (are) about bf-ing Bean, if you would like to try it for the twins I would really recomend contacting whatever the US equivalent of the 'Australian Breastfeeding Association' is. They will offer so much info and then support once the twins are here.

  5. Don't worry. If it were me, I would be scared out of my mind. I hope that doesn't sound awful, because I know you will do great and love, love, love your new big family. You know, once you start sleeping again in a couple of years.

  6. I think how you are feeling is completely normal. I think anyone facing twins and not to mention already having a 2 yr old would start to panic a little. I have always said I want twins especially now that I am getting older and it looks like I may only have one shot but I know people who have twins and they say it is a bit overwhelming. I know though you will do wonderful! You are an AWESOME mom already!

  7. So very well said and like a bunch of the other said too...just because we struggled with IF, doesn't mean we cannot have fears and anxieties and should be able to express them too. I surely felt that way at times though (that I didnt have a right to express fears) and was reminded by a good friend of mine that although I am overwhelmingly thankful for the gifts of Zach and Mark, it doesn't mean that I cant be nervous as heck about having 2 under 2....or 3 under 3 in your case!! ;-) Hang in there, C and we are all there to support you, even if just virtually, along the way!

  8. It's just never easy is it? IF makes everything an emotional landmine. I think you are going to be just great! It has to be terrifying - the whole bit! But the longer you're in the area, the more people you'll know. Estimated due date is what -- next April or May? I expect we'll be back from Japan by June and I'll be looking for things to do. Hanging out and helping with the kiddos sounds like fun to me! Just saying ;)

  9. I am not at all offended by the fact that you are on the verge of being a mother again. It makes me super-happy and you should know this.

    Don't you see, it is your reality that adds fuel to my dream?

    You are so rational when you talk about the flip side of carrying multiples....I hope the bright side outweighs the flip side. This also means that you have to be mentally, physically and emotionally ready to deal with the challenges that lie ahead.

    Good Luck! And Hooray!

  10. You are not ungrateful. You are intelligent and thoughtful of your husband, the bean, the new babies and your own needs. Thinking about the reality and difficulty of twins will help you organize and cope when the time comes...and you'll be a star. I know it.

  11. Pffft @ you being ungrateful, I'm not sure you'd ever be possible of that, in fact I'm not sure ANY InFertile could be.

    You've been blessed with two awesome lil bubbas growing in your belly and soon to become a Mum to 3 under 3 because the Universe thinks you're a rockin Mumma and that you can handle anyyyyyyyyything!!!

    Yes it will be daunting and tiring and you're gonna be scared shitless at times BUT you'll get through it and be a fan-freakin-tabulous Mumma while doing it!


  12. Of course you're scared! Why wouldn't you be?! But just because you're scared and you have eleventy million things running through your mind, doesn't mean you're not ECSTATIC! It'll be tough, I'm sure, but you'll do it! You're a strong woman and a wonderful mom!

  13. Um. Twins. I would be scared. You are a normal GRATEFUL person...(because you are a 'person' and 'human' before the 'infertile' label, you know....). Hang in there. I might not be able to help you watch your kids while you take a shower...but I can certainly listen to you voice your worries about it.

  14. Sunny I know I just found your blog, but you focus on yourself, your feelings, your health. I was so excited when you found our you were pregnant. I hear you loud and clear on the idea of twins, the health concerns, the fears. You know more than you think, you are stronger than you realize. You keep saying whatevery it is you need to say!

  15. Every human being facing life with 3 under 3, regardless of how hard they worked to get there, would be freaked out. Every single one. Anyone who says otherwise is lying. You're not being at all ungrateful, just honest. :)

  16. You can be grateful and completely freak out at the same time. I mean just because you're dealing with IF doesn't mean that you have to be completely oblivious to the reality of being a parent. It's damn hard! And now that you know this, it makes twins an ever scarier prospect. But I know you will do better than survive this.

  17. ((Hugs)) Wish you and your babes all the health and happiness, Bean and Dh too.

  18. Please continue to vent as needed----that's what blogland is for! And the fact that you achieved it after secondary infertility actually gives me HOPE that I might get a BFP that sticks one of these days too! :)


A penny for your thoughts...