Sunday, July 19, 2009

Poke


This is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Not the injection part. That was actually even easier than I remember. I found it incredibly empowering to give myself the first shot last night. As I've mentioned before, I used to have a terrible phobia of needles. I've known from a young age that a medical profession was not in my future. Generally they prefer if you don't pass out at the sight of your patient's blood.

But that was before infertility.

Now: I'm so BA (that's "badass," for those of you without an 18-year-old sister-in-law), I didn't even wait until the Follistim was room temp before shooting myself up. The most painful part was when the alcohol swab touched the cut on my finger. Yeouch.

Total badassness aside, I have been blindsided by how much this treatment cycle SUCKS. Partly financially, but mostly emotionally. I guess infertility treatment is like childbirth. You develop selective amnesia about the event, so that you'll do it again in the future when the time comes.

I thought -- having been there, done that, got the t-shirt -- that this would be a relative walk in the park. That the biggest challenge would be finding a babysitter for the munchkin on my endless trips to the doc.

Not so.

Putting this much time, energy, and money into the dream of growing our family... well, it's overwhelming. The pressure, the waiting. To know. Yes... or no?

I feel my defense mechanism kicking into place. I am now, at CD 4, one measly shot into the protocol, completely positive that I will NOT get pregnant this cycle. I just can't let myself hope it will work.

And I've already seized on The Why, because this helps my defense mechanism sell this inevitable failure to the rest of my mind. It's because my dose of 75 ius is lower than the 100 ius that I was on when I got pregnant with our son. Too low.

It doesn't matter that this dose was recommended by our doc, and was entirely what DH and I wanted at our consultation meeting. To lower the risk of multiples, which scares the beejezus out of me almost as much as another BFN.

It is The Why. No sale, do not Pass Go, do not collect $200.

End of story.

I'm already planning to email Dr. Downtown and asking him to up the dose to 100 ius -- or even 125 ius -- for next cycle.

Which is also the last IUI treatment cycle that we can afford.

I will say this about secondary infertility, though. There is certainly a comfort in knowing that no matter what the outcome this time around, I am a mother. That role is not in question. DH and I will be raising our son together, God willing. It may not be the family as I've always pictured it, but my darkest fears are not even remotely as dark as they were with primary infertility.

In the meantime, my Frank's Big Ones cookies have arrived. I've heard them described as larger than a baby's head, and I wanted to see how they compared to my toddler's ginormous noggin.

Pretty damn well, I'd say.

And also?

Yum.

11 comments:

  1. The prospect of disappointment is a scary one; I can easily see why it would be scary and sad and hard to maintain an upbeat attitude. That being said, I've heard that cupcakes are an excellent antidote and source of attitude-adjustment. Let me know what your calendar looks like for next week if you're still up for some cupcakes and I'd totally join you!

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  2. That is one huge cookie! Did Bean tantrum when you took it away? (Champ tantrums at EVERYTHING now and it is doing my head in!)

    I have hope for you for this cycle. You are 50/50 for BFP with IUI w/ F right? Hope the coind flips your way this month.

    (Oh and despite the joy they would bring, the thought of mutiples freaks me out terribly too, not that we have a huge risk, but there are a few twins in my family)

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  3. I understand the frustration. I understand the fear. Remember if the dosage is good enough to make a nice big round happy follicle (like your giant cookie) then the chances are good. You are doing all the right things to work toward success. Sending you lots of positive vibes. :-)

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  4. I am stuck with a nodding head and a naying head when you said there was no Hope for this cycle..I do wish no more waiting poking for you ! And the pic of the cookie and baby is hilarious!

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  5. Look at those cookies!! What a cutie pie your son is!
    Sorry for the $uck a$$ cycle, ((Hugs))

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  6. I am so thankful that I've found your blog. While I was going through treatment before getting pregnant with LL, I remember thinking that secondary IF would suck, but not nearly as much as primary. Now, here we are, not even ready yet to try for number two, but the thought of what we might have to do, what we might have to go through, that nothing might work... wow. I know in my heart that yeah, it won't be quite as bad, it will definitely be different... but I also know that it will suck in whole new ways.

    Best of luck to you! I think that you're doing great. Definitely holding it together better than I think I will be when we get to that point. And not just because my husband is the one who faints when he sees blood, and it's tiring to pick him up off the floor all the time.

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  7. Way to go shootin up ;o) You are a BA! I'm holding out hope for you. I'll track that b!tch down and hold her in a head lock for ya! Crossing everything for ya!
    *HUGS*

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  8. http://beware-of-the-fertility-industry.blogspot.com

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  9. Selective amnesia - yes yes yes. Totally agree with that statement. (About IF treatments, about childbirth, and clearly about having a newborn in the house as well.)

    Good luck, I'll be pulling for you.

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  10. Hugs, hugs, hugs. I can totally relate to this. Even though I didn't need to go as far as injectibles, after we had the twins (w/Clomid), I was always seized with fear of the "what if it doesn't work again" persuasion. And I totally get what you're saying - at least there was the comfort of knowing that at least I already *was* a mom, and that if another pregnancy didn't happen, at least it wouldn't even come close to the *worst* that could have happened.

    I have lots of hope for this cycle for you. Tons of it.

    (((HUGS))

    LOVE the pic of your cutie with a cookie from my cutie. :)

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  11. ahhhhh. then pen. You rock double time for photographin' while shooting up!
    and LOVE that photo of the cookie with toddler noggin!! so funny

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