Tuesday, August 4, 2009

This is not a pregnancy announcement

But let's talk about them for a minute, k?

Now this is a difficult post to write, because I have to first get around my defense mechanism that is screaming THERE IS AN 80% CHANCE THAT YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT! DO NOT GET YOUR HOPES UP! THEY WILL CRASH AND BURN, AND RUNNY MASCARA IS NOT A GOOD LOOK FOR YOU! As if my mascara won't run when AF arrives, just because my "hopes aren't up." Actually I hardly ever wear mascara these days. This whole situation is really just beyond sad.

But all I have to do is look over at Bean to be reminded that, well, miracles do happen. So this post is necessary.

Today I am 9 DPO. And my gut uterus is telling me that I will know the answer to The Big Question by the end of this week. I'm not sure when AF is due, based on the new variable of progesterone supplements entering the equation. But she could be here as early as Thursday, and as late as... well, who the hell knows.

Flashing back to my pregnancy with Bean. Even after two awesome betas and a tiny little heartbeat, I still was not excited to share our Big News with other people. I wanted to keep it just between me and DH, preferably until the child was born. In fact, although we did end up telling family and friends earlier than we had wanted because of the timing of a visit home, I kept tight-lipped at the office until a coworker eyed my belly in the kitchen area one day when I was 14 weeks along and asked loudly, "Are you pregnant?!" I immediately decided it was finally time to tell my boss.

I think this reluctance comes from many factors. Although we had let that team of highly trained, specialized medical professionals invade the most intimate part of our marriage, I still felt like IF was something DH and I had weathered largely on our own. I also appreciated the support I got from the few family and friends who knew about our struggles, but really it was just the two of us in the trenches. It seemed like the result, this baby, was now a part of our private space, and it was hard to suddenly let others in.

Second, part of the wounds of IF left me feeling like no one would care that I was pregnant anyway, so why tell? While I was isolating myself during treatment, frozen in the moment of BFN, everyone else was going on living. Getting married and having lots of children. Everyone was wrapped up in the exciting changes in their own lives, so why would they bother to take notice of mine? Absolutely ridiculous and unfair to my very caring friends. Lots of faulty thinking to be explored under this one... I'll save that for a rainy day.

And finally, of course, was the denial that this was actually happening after so long. And the fear that it would suddenly be yanked away.

So to make a long story short (too late!), especially during the first part of my pregnancy, I was still quiet and feeling reserved about the whole situation.

This time is entirely different, of course. I am open about our treatments, willing to share and generally in a better place overall. Generally.

DH asked me the other day, "So how are you going to deal with your blog, if you are pregnant?"

Of course this is something I struggled with before I even started this blog. I knew I wanted a place to share, vent, and get support -- as others hopefully feel the understanding and encouragement I give them on their blogs. But how to do it? Totally anonymously? That would be easiest, of course. I could be more open about things, knowing that no one IRL would find my words.

But I finally decided that even though I try not to give too much identifying information on here, I still wanted to share my web site with my friends and family. Let them decide how much (or how little) they would know about my uterus. I guess pseudo-anonymous is the best way to describe that?

I'm not sure how many of them actually read this blog, as they are kind enough not to bring up my uterus in conversation. But I always assume that they are, just to be safe.

So while I don't want to go posting a BFP picture in the first hour of its reveal, I also think it's unfair not to tell you the results as soon as possible, seeing as you have been so wonderful in taking this journey with me so far. And if I experience another chemical pregnancy, or a miscarriage, I'm sure I will want to blog about that anyway.

I guess I'm just asking for a little patience with me... I don't know the right way to handle this. A BFN, I do know the right way to handle. Chocolate, a box of tissues, heating pad, and the latest installment of "Twin Peaks." But the BFP territory is much less known to me, especially since I am now Out of the IF Closet.

I promise to update as soon as I can. I'm not sure exactly what day that will be, depending on how things play out, but if the news is good, it will be before the baby is born.

Most likely.


  1. I hope the 20% stats mean 100% for you and Dh. Thank you for sharing your tears and smiles too.

  2. So if it's a BFN, you'll let us know, and if you go silent for a long, long time, we have reason to hope? Ha ha! I've teased out your little plan. Seriously, though. I can keep a secret. And I live thousands of miles away from you in the land that swapped our weather for yours this summer.

    Whatever you do, I wish you the best in the next few days. And I really hope to be your pregnancy buddy over the next 9-ish months.

  3. Hoping for the best for you and understand your hesitation too! Whenever you share whatever you share, we will be here, just like you are here for me. Crossing fingers from the couch!

  4. We are here to support you with whatever comes ahead! Anyone who is reading this blog is cheering for you and DH 100%.

  5. Oh, sweetie. You do what is good for you. True friends will cheer you for that.

    Crossing all sorts of body parts!

  6. I wish I could share my blog with friends and family (currently only ONE "real life" friend follows it) but I just couldn't take the pitying comments they would probably make, thinking they were helping me feel better. I know they support me but it's just not the same when I know they haven't been through it. Maybe it's selfish, I don't know. But it's how I feel.
    Anyway, I'm crossing my fingers for you this cycle!

  7. Crossing all the crossables for you, and of course hoping that we don't hear anything for a while (and hear good news when you are ready).

  8. Sunny...your post resonates with several thoughts I have had...

    part of the wounds of IF left me feeling like no one would care that I was pregnant anyway,

    I have blogged about how colleagues left me out on their list of probable to get pregnant in 2009. It was a phantom kick. I know what you mean.

    Again, a BFN has come around always. So, I am more habituated to it than anything else and I am still not sure of a BFP strategy.

    I would share everything, shameless bumps, whatever...I will even get a baby widget. Oh my!

    You have to believe in yourself, and whatever is the outcome, we are all here.

    Stay cool. I used to succumb to the red tide within 48 hours of stopping progesterone. That was my experience. Only once, my AF came a little later than 48 hours.

  9. What an outstanding post, thank you so much and thanks for sharing the journey. I have to admit that I've been curious to know when you were going to test. :-) Best wishes, sending lots of ++++ vibes your way.

  10. That is so exciting! I am praying that it is a BFP. I understand your reluctance. You can share it whenever you feel comfortable. Although I secretly hope it is sooner rather then later. Sending lots of baby dust your way

    PS I nominated you for an award!

  11. I totally understand your reluctance to speak up, though it's not an issue I've had to deal with (I'm as anonymous as I can manage). If it were me, I'd want to announce on my blog, simply because my blog's purpose is to record my thoughts. I've seen others in your situation just add a simple "If you know me, please don't say anything to me or others", which (hopefully) gives you the best of both worlds: you can write what you want, but you (effectively) keep it private in real life.

    Best of luck for the rest of your 2ww!

  12. Ah, yes, a tough situation. I am new to blogging (though, I've been reading them for years - yes, I'm lazy! lol), and have been struggling with how much to reveal of my true life, or TO my true life people. I haven't figured that out yet, but I'm definitely leaning towards sharing less revealing information.

    Bottom line, as always with this stuff, is that you go ahead and do what you need to do. We will be cheering you on every step of the way.


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