Now this is a difficult post to write, because I have to first get around my defense mechanism that is screaming THERE IS AN 80% CHANCE THAT YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT! DO NOT GET YOUR HOPES UP! THEY WILL CRASH AND BURN, AND RUNNY MASCARA IS NOT A GOOD LOOK FOR YOU! As if my mascara won't run when AF arrives, just because my "hopes aren't up." Actually I hardly ever wear mascara these days. This whole situation is really just beyond sad.
But all I have to do is look over at Bean to be reminded that, well, miracles do happen. So this post is necessary.
Today I am 9 DPO. And my
Flashing back to my pregnancy with Bean. Even after two awesome betas and a tiny little heartbeat, I still was not excited to share our Big News with other people. I wanted to keep it just between me and DH, preferably until the child was born. In fact, although we did end up telling family and friends earlier than we had wanted because of the timing of a visit home, I kept tight-lipped at the office until a coworker eyed my belly in the kitchen area one day when I was 14 weeks along and asked loudly, "Are you pregnant?!" I immediately decided it was finally time to tell my boss.
I think this reluctance comes from many factors. Although we had let that team of highly trained, specialized medical professionals invade the most intimate part of our marriage, I still felt like IF was something DH and I had weathered largely on our own. I also appreciated the support I got from the few family and friends who knew about our struggles, but really it was just the two of us in the trenches. It seemed like the result, this baby, was now a part of our private space, and it was hard to suddenly let others in.
Second, part of the wounds of IF left me feeling like no one would care that I was pregnant anyway, so why tell? While I was isolating myself during treatment, frozen in the moment of BFN, everyone else was going on living. Getting married and having lots of children. Everyone was wrapped up in the exciting changes in their own lives, so why would they bother to take notice of mine? Absolutely ridiculous and unfair to my very caring friends. Lots of faulty thinking to be explored under this one... I'll save that for a rainy day.
And finally, of course, was the denial that this was actually happening after so long. And the fear that it would suddenly be yanked away.
So to make a long story short (too late!), especially during the first part of my pregnancy, I was still quiet and feeling reserved about the whole situation.
This time is entirely different, of course. I am open about our treatments, willing to share and generally in a better place overall. Generally.
DH asked me the other day, "So how are you going to deal with your blog, if you are pregnant?"
Of course this is something I struggled with before I even started this blog. I knew I wanted a place to share, vent, and get support -- as others hopefully feel the understanding and encouragement I give them on their blogs. But how to do it? Totally anonymously? That would be easiest, of course. I could be more open about things, knowing that no one IRL would find my words.
But I finally decided that even though I try not to give too much identifying information on here, I still wanted to share my web site with my friends and family. Let them decide how much (or how little) they would know about my uterus. I guess pseudo-anonymous is the best way to describe that?
I'm not sure how many of them actually read this blog, as they are kind enough not to bring up my uterus in conversation. But I always assume that they are, just to be safe.
So while I don't want to go posting a BFP picture in the first hour of its reveal, I also think it's unfair not to tell you the results as soon as possible, seeing as you have been so wonderful in taking this journey with me so far. And if I experience another chemical pregnancy, or a miscarriage, I'm sure I will want to blog about that anyway.
I guess I'm just asking for a little patience with me... I don't know the right way to handle this. A BFN, I do know the right way to handle. Chocolate, a box of tissues, heating pad, and the latest installment of "Twin Peaks." But the BFP territory is much less known to me, especially since I am now Out of the IF Closet.
I promise to update as soon as I can. I'm not sure exactly what day that will be, depending on how things play out, but if the news is good, it will be before the baby is born.