Monday, August 31, 2009

The waiting game

I wish I could say I haven't been posting because I've been off dancing in Pregnancy Heaven. Blissfully designing the nursery, eagerly speculating about the gender, and just generally GLOWING as I go about my merry day.

But no. It's Pregnancy Hell.

I am finding this first trimester infinitely more difficult than when I was pregnant with Bean. The main reason for this is probably denial -- or more accurately, the lack of it. Last time, my brain took its time accepting the fact that there was, indeed, a small life growing inside my tummy. Because, again, stuff like that just didn't happen for me.

But this time, it seems more within reach. I did gestate, and quite successfully, a 9 lb. 14 oz. child for a full 40 weeks. It is possible, my brain is more prepared for this.

And also, last time the thought of an actual BABY at the end of the pregnancy was quite nebulous. I couldn't imagine what it would be like, holding MY baby, taking him home, feeding him, changing him, loving him with more of my heart than I knew existed. It was far away and foreign. But this time, I am more focused on that moment. Meeting my child and welcoming him/her into the family. My heart is more on the line, knowing what I could lose.

My ultrasound is tomorrow.

Today, I started spotting.

My doctor, predictably, is not worried. (How nice for him!) It's fairly common for women to experience this during the first trimester, it doesn't always mean Bad Things... of course I do know this. But it's not a comfort. Every moment between now and 11:30 am tomorrow is painful. I can't get comfortable, I can't relax.

I am preparing for the worst.

And it sucks.

29 comments:

  1. Prayers up up up!! Try to hang in there, you know where to find me if you need to talk or a hand to hold!

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  2. It totally sucks! I'm sorry. Praying tomorrow comes fast and all is well!
    *HUGS*

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  3. Spotting IS very common. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. I hope the time between now and 11:30 passes quickly for you.

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  4. Spotting is very common. Which is a super easy thing for somebody else to say. Not so easy to believe when it's you rushing to the bathroom to do TP check 550. Less than 24 hours now...

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  5. I spotted with J- but that didn't keep me from crying all the way to the doctor's office, sure I was losing him.

    I hope the spotting stops and the ultrasound is A-ok.

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  6. Having gone through a miscarriage I know how scary spotting can be once it's already happened once. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I'd ever gotten pregnant again but I was prepared for it to be a grueling nine months as I worried. But you're in the home stretch now and it's all going to be okay. ((((HUGS))))

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  7. oh fudge-sickles! (that's me trying to keep it g-rated here) are your parents still with you and able to keep you company through this? How terrifying. I had some heavy (okay it was more than "spotting" so it *felt* heavy) bleeding with my pregnancy for my daughter and all turned out well. I'll be wishing and hoping that the same is true for you.

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  8. Totally scared of the spotting. Happened with me too and waiting for the US to show my wriggling gummy Mimi bear was torture. TORTURE.

    Hang in there.

    xoxo

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  9. I'm sending my positive thoughts with you.

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  10. thinking of you and sending good thoughts as you wait.

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  11. As you know, spotting is so common, but as we also know you can't help but worry because it is something so precious to you.

    I am very much hoping for a great outcome at the ultrasound. xxxooo

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  12. I hear it is very common but I KNOW it is the scariest thing to see when you are pregnant! I am glad you are having your ultrasound tomorrow and will be able to get some reassurance.

    I hate it when doctors give the same line...don't worry..it's common but I guess it is better then the alternative...holy crap...it's over.

    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

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  13. Hang in there, I know how stressful that wait can be. I am thinking lots of good thoughts for you, and can't wait to hear the good news. ((hugs))

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  14. ack, i had spotting episodes with both boys...and all turned out okay, but like everyone else has said, easier to say than to be the one experiencing it! Will be saying a little prayer for you tomorrow at 11:30 and anxiously awaiting an update!

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  15. Ah, Sunny.

    Try to find the peace in this space of not knowing.

    Sending you energies of love and health and eager to hear from you tomorrow.

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  16. Oh sweetie. That must be heart-rending and gut twisting. I'll say a special prayer for you both tonight. Hoping that this is just a temporary thing and you are both fine and healthy. I also wanted to thank you for your kind words and support. You are a great lady. ((((((hugs)))))))

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  17. Praying that all is well! I know how scary spotting is. When it happened to me with Kendall I rushed to the ER in a crying, panic. The doctor who saw me was totally annoyed, but did do an ultrasound to make me feel better (i.e. get me out of there). Hang in there until your ultrasound. I'm thinking of you and sending lots of prayers your way!
    Kristin

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  18. My heart is with you today, Sunny. Sending good thoughts and peace-of-heart.

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  19. Oh, dear, I'll be thinking of you today.

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  20. Spotting is scary, and I want it to be a routine, innocuous thing...

    I know how worrisome it must be for you. Hold on! Hang on! You are pregnant, and it is true, and you should think of it from that point forward....Be good, wishing you the very best!

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  21. I'm thinking of you. I've been down that road and it's an emotional one. I just hope that in your case, the doc finds the little guy happily swimming around with a strong heartbeat. I'll praying! -Sarah

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  22. From LFCA... Fingers crossed!!!

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  23. Big ((Hugs)), hoping, praying for the Best, take good care, Sunny.

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  24. I've had the spotting issues and I understand your fears, and you gotta love the "I'm not worried" response of doctors.

    I hope everything will be okay.

    LFCA

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  25. Ick, I remember how horribly nervous I was before that first ultrasound (actually, the whole first trimester). Hoping that everything is well.

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  26. I'm starting to get worried. I hope you (all of you) are ok.

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  27. Oh man, I hate that spotting! I spotted with this pregnancy too, and it is infinitely terrifying, but I am hoping with my whole heart your pregnancy is just PERFECT!

    Looking forward to good news after your ultrasound.

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