Thursday, August 13, 2009

Too easy

So here I am in Preggoville... at least, I think. It's morbid, I know, but I wake up every morning and wonder, "Is my baby still alive?" I really have no way of knowing. I still have pregnancy symptoms, but I don't trust them. Isn't that the definition of a missed miscarriage... your body still thinks you are pregnant, even when you are not?

My first ultrasound is 2 weeks and 5 days away. But who's counting? And another month and a half until I'll start renting a doppler so I can listen to the baby's heartbeat at home. DH nodded his head heartily when I asked if we could get one again. "I saw how much it calmed you with Bean," he said. Many women complain about their reliability, or find them useless after they can feel the baby move. But every night, DH and I would sit on the bed and listen to our baby's heartbeat. I could fall asleep relaxed and increasingly connected to our child. For an hour, at least, until he got the hiccups and started kicking the crap out of my liver.

Right now I am totally disconnected from this pregnancy. I am aware of every emotion rolling through my body... various shades of excitement and fear. But it's as if these are occurring on another plane. Because on the surface level, I am very calm now. More so than I have been in months. Like there is just me and DH and Bean and our pooch... not an actual itty bitty person doing somersaults in what is apparently my ginormous womb. (My uterus must be very excited to do its job again, as I already look 4 months pregnant. The kid has enough room to play nine holes of golf.)

I am in absolute denial. I can't even say the word -- when I do, my tongue feels all heavy, and it sounds to me more like pwegwant. I have experienced more than 30 failed TTC cycles total, and even with one healthy son under my belt (literally under my belt, the kiddo can't ever be close enough to his mama -- in fact, I'm hoping he doesn't catch wind of the extra room in my uterus) I still believe that I do not get pregnant.

Other women, yes, they get pregnant. But me? Nah.

I do not get pregnant.

And even if I do look at a belly shot from early 2008 and remember with horror how absolutely humongously pregnant I indeed can get... then I think, Well, but this was too easy.

Compared with the utter torture that was TTC #1, this time in the IF gauntlet was far too quick and relatively painless.

It's almost like the treatment never even happened.

And I am not pregnant.


  1. Just remember that you spent a lot of time in the first go around trying different treatments until one FINALLY worked. So you certainly had a leg up this time to make it easier. Hang in there.

  2. I hope the next 2 weeks 5 days flies by. I think once you see the 'sac of cells' (I mean baby) and a heartbeat it will seem more real.

    BTW, can I ask some questions?

    Is Bean still nursing? Has the pregnancy had any impact? I hear it can somtimes change the flavour and some kids LOVE it and some don;t.

    Also, how old will Bean be when this baby is due?

    Just curious.

  3. Two weeks and 5 days?! That does seem like such a long time.

    So does Bean seem clingier since you became pwegnant? DOH! You've done it to me, now.

  4. I hope the times go by fast and that soon you can feel confidant in your pregnancy.

    My sister had the dopler and absolutely loved it! She was obsessed with listening to the heart beat. I definitely will need one. I will have to figure out a way to attach it to my belly permanently. LOL

  5. Answers to the questions:

    -- Is Bean clingier than he was before? That's a tough one. I would likely say no. If he is, it's very slight. Like going from 86% clingy to 87%.

    -- Bean is still nursing, yes. So far, the pregnancy has had no effect on BFing. He wasn't getting much milk before (like, hardly ANY really) so it's probably not that different for him. It's mainly a comfort thing, just a few minutes before napping and bedtime. It's his transition from wake time to sleep time.

    -- Bean will be 25 months old when the baby is born (God willing).

  6. When I was pregnant, I felt disconnected from the pregnancy all the way until I was regularly feeling kicks. It really didn't seem real. Trying trying trying trying... and then suddenly somebody says "Okay, you're pregnant now!" and I was like "Right, sure... I'll believe that when I see a baby!"

    I am in awe, though, that you're nursing while pregnant. Each one of those things, individually, wiped out all my energy. Together? I don't think I'd be able to get out of bed.

  7. Thinking of you and hoping the days pass quickly until your 1st u/s. :)

  8. It will likely take you awhile to bond with the baby and allow yourself to get really excited about it. At least that was the way it was for me with the third. But face it beautiful lady, you ARE pregnant. Remember, your pregnancy symptoms are positive signs even if you cannot feel movement yet! You are seriously in my prayers every day until the end of your first trimester. You are hoping your baby stays, while I'm hoping mine will decide to see the world or pay rent!!! :) Thinking of you! -Sarah

  9. Sending my best during this stressful time. I wish you got a "get out of jail free" card w/IF so you wouldn't have all this worry.

  10. How screwed up is it that IF makes even a positive result a questionmark! I hear what you're saying about how relatively easy it was this go-around and how that doesn't even seem possible and I think, "wow. I totally get that." I wouldn't have thought of that side effect or lasting result of IF, but it totally makes sense.

  11. I'm new to your blog but I can completely relate. I had a miscarriage in 2002 that ended up becoming the death of my marriage, which was already troubled, but our problems conceiving plus the miscarriage just changed me a lot. I know if I ever did get pregnant (at 38, it's looking unlikely) I'd feel just the way you do. Afraid to hope... But I know so many people who have been through trials and tribulations while TTC and ended up having wonderful pregnancies that resulted in beautiful babies.

  12. I'm voting that "too easy" is a very good thing, but I do understand your trepidation. What an absolute joy it is to know a friend doesn't have to go through extra frustration or heartache. Hoping your ultrasound gives you more high hopes and good news. :-)

  13. Oh....I hope that this disconnectedness and denial dissolves. Good Luck for every milestone that is to get wrought in your way.

  14. I hope you can manage to keep yourself busy for the next week or so. Seeing that flickering heartbeat will be wonderful! Wishing you all the best.

  15. Good luck on your ultrasound, and I am loving your blog. I feel like its a mirror of my own feelings and fears. I too can't say the P word. I too cringe at P announcemtns even though at least for the moment, I am too. It's difficult. I'm glad to hear that though it all felt nebulous until you held your son, that the fear doesn't take away from the final outcome.


A penny for your thoughts...